I’ve been struggling to get this post down on paper.  Some things are hard to remember and harder to write down, such a combination of joy mixed with sadness.   This was the best I could do.

Today is my son Lucas’ seventh birthday.  He was born two days before my dad’s birthday. I remember when I called my dad to tell him I was in labor he asked if I could please hold on two more days.  I told him I couldn’t.

About a month before Lucas was born life was finally getting back on track. My mom was starting her first week back teaching again. Her treatments had ended in the spring and she was thrilled to be back doing what she did best, teaching. I was busy being pregnant and taking care of my one and half year old daughter.  I was exhausted and happy. My friends were planning a “sprinkle” for me since I was having a son this time around.  Everything was right with the world.

Then a routine check with one of my mom’s doctors changed everything.  A suspicious lump. He was concerned but pretty sure it was nothing since she had just gone through such aggressive treatment.  BUT, the surgeon told her to come in first thing in the morning to take a look. My mom went to her appointment alone, she never went alone, but this was so early in the morning she said it was fine. It wasn’t fine. The cancer was back.

I was gutted. More devastated than when we got the news the first time. It was a very aggressive cancer. Even the doctors were shocked. You could see it in their faces when we met with them to come up with a plan.  Some scrambled to give us hope, others didn’t even try.  This was supposed to be a happy time, my son was on his way, my mom was going to help me with my older daughter. I was gutted.

Pure hopelessness and I had a beautiful boy growing in my belly that was feeling everything I was feeling. How could I possibly protect him from my sadness and dispare. I could hide my sadness from my daughter, husband and parents but I couldn’t hide from him, he was with me all the time.  He was going to be born to a sad mother. This made me even sadder.

The night before Lucas was born my brother Dave and I spent the day getting my mom settled into the hospital for a three day course of internal radiation.  She had already had surgery to remove the tumor. I wouldn’t be able to visit her since I was pregnant and she would basically be radioactive.

Saturday morning  October 7, 2006 I went into labor. I couldn’t even call my mom to talk to her because she had a trache in and couldn’t speak.  My brother let her know what was happening.  I really wanted her to be with me like she was when my oldest was born, but that was impossible. Lucas was born Saturday afternoon, healthy and beautiful.  He was and still is pure sweetness.  My brother arrived in time to bear witness to the miracle and play photographer.   I sent my mom a note with Dave that said, we had to sacrifice one moment for the sake of many more together. I was glad Dave was with us since my mom couldn’t be.  Foreshadowing of what was to come.

Lucas and I were sent home on Monday, October 9th, my dad’s 76th birthday. We went straight to my parent’s house to wait for my mom to get home.  She made it home and met her first grandson. She was a mess, so swollen, a trache, a feeding tube. Awful.  She held my little man for a while and just like that, life went on.