When I was in middle school my cousin Ileana came to live with us.  She lived with us for four years.  She became the sister I never had.  I found myself not wanting to go on sleep overs with friends because I didn’t want to miss whatever was going on at home with Ileana and my mom.  We loved being around each other.  On one occasion when I had to go somewhere I didn’t really want to but had to, I told my mom and Ileana to not have to0 much fun without  me or talk about anything fun.  I think this is where it started.  It stuck and when ever we were all together and one of us had to go do something we would warn the others to stop talking until the other could come back.  It became a family joke.

Lately, I have been thinking about what I want to do when I grow up.  Yes, I am 40 but I feel like I still don’t know.  I  have another year before my youngest is in school full time so I am trying to figure out the direction I want my work life to go when I am finally free at home to work.  I have lots of ideas, some seem doable others might be a little out there.  The strange thing is they are just ideas, I seem to be stuck at the idea part.  There are things I could be doing now that I am not.  And today I think I realized why.  My mom is gone, and I don’t want her to miss anything great that might happen in my life.  I don’t want anything great to happen without her.  So I am doing my best at not doing anything too exciting while she is gone.

Ridiculous, I know.  I can’t keep my life on pause since she is gone.  I didn’t even really realize that I was on pause.  But I think I am.  I have all these things I want to do but don’t pursue them.  I dabble but don’t go full steam ahead because if I do I might succeed and then she would miss it, and I don’t want her to miss it.

So, now I am aware of this but how do I move past it?  How do I succeed without her.  I know what people will say, she is there with you, she sees you and what you do.  But come on people, those of you that have lost important people know, it’s not the same.  I do think being aware of this is good.  Maybe knowing this will help me press the pause button and play again.