When I was in middle school my cousin Ileana came to live with us. She lived with us for four years. She became the sister I never had. I found myself not wanting to go on sleep overs with friends because I didn’t want to miss whatever was going on at home with Ileana and my mom. We loved being around each other. On one occasion when I had to go somewhere I didn’t really want to but had to, I told my mom and Ileana to not have to0 much fun without me or talk about anything fun. I think this is where it started. It stuck and when ever we were all together and one of us had to go do something we would warn the others to stop talking until the other could come back. It became a family joke.
Lately, I have been thinking about what I want to do when I grow up. Yes, I am 40 but I feel like I still don’t know. I have another year before my youngest is in school full time so I am trying to figure out the direction I want my work life to go when I am finally free at home to work. I have lots of ideas, some seem doable others might be a little out there. The strange thing is they are just ideas, I seem to be stuck at the idea part. There are things I could be doing now that I am not. And today I think I realized why. My mom is gone, and I don’t want her to miss anything great that might happen in my life. I don’t want anything great to happen without her. So I am doing my best at not doing anything too exciting while she is gone.
Ridiculous, I know. I can’t keep my life on pause since she is gone. I didn’t even really realize that I was on pause. But I think I am. I have all these things I want to do but don’t pursue them. I dabble but don’t go full steam ahead because if I do I might succeed and then she would miss it, and I don’t want her to miss it.
So, now I am aware of this but how do I move past it? How do I succeed without her. I know what people will say, she is there with you, she sees you and what you do. But come on people, those of you that have lost important people know, it’s not the same. I do think being aware of this is good. Maybe knowing this will help me press the pause button and play again.
Life After 2010 
Andrea, como te decia tu mamy…
Me encantó tu escrito !! Y te quiero decir lo siguiente:
Eres linda, entusiasta, productiva, es decir, haces lo que te propones..ERES UNA MAMA MARAVILLOSA, como lo era ella, todo lo haces bien, divertido..con mucho entusismo..nos encanta estar contigo….has sido la unión entre tus hermanos, entre nosotros los BRL, no has abandonado a nadie de los amigos de tus padres…y algo muy impotante HAS TOMADO LA PLUMA DE TU PAPY, SU FOTOGRAFIA, desde hace tiempo, LA MISIÓN DE TU MAMY, SU AYUDA A TODOS, SU ALEGRIA POR TODO, SU ENTUSIASMO, Y FIJATE EN ESTO : eres su CALCA de ella, una lInda CALCA !!!!
Si sientes que has estado en pause, ok keep on going, lo has hecho perfecto. AHORA, SEGUN MI FE, ELLA Y TU PAPY LO ESTAN DISFRUTANDO DESDE EL CIELO….,!!! Deveras Andrea
Y NO SE HAN PERDIDO DE NADA, VEN Y VALORAN TOODO,, LO QUE HICISTE POR ELLOS ANTES Y AHORA QUE SE HAN IDO….PORQUE TIENES RAZON, NOOOOO ES LO MISMO CUANDO SE VAN FISICAMENTE….. PERO SI TU NOOO LOS OLVIDAS ELLOS SIENPRE, SIEMPRE ESTARAN CONTIGO, A TU LADO. BENDICIENDOTE Y TAAAAN ORGULLOSOS DE TI COMO LO FUERON EN VIDA…Me acuerdo con el orgullo que tu papy te presentaba a la gente !!!
Cuando fuimos a Santa Rita y se disfrazaron, con ropa de una amiga mia, te acuerdas ?
BUENO, ANDA, ESPERO HABERTE DICHO LO QUE MI CORAZON ME DICTO, DESPUES DE LEER TU LINDO ESCRITO
TQM
Gracias Tía quierida. Tu también escribes tan lindo!
Ditto what he said. You know I’m not that religious but, for my sanity, I have to believe that Mami, my surrogate mom Patricia, mi querido Abel, Laurita, and my Oma and Opa are somewhere up there, mi, looking down on us, watching us all – cheering us on and grieving when we are hurting. So the best thing you can do for yourself, your mom and your family is push the play button and begin to really live life again, to the fullest. Luv you
Thanks darling