I haven’t written in a while.  I have thought a lot about ideas and issues that apply to this blog but just haven’t written them all down.  I’m not sure why.

I realized recently that somewhere along the way I lost my guts.  In my twenties I remember feeling that I could do whatever I wanted to.  Nothing seemed out of reach.  Nothing really scared me.  Everything I wanted to do, I just did it.  It was easy.  Some might have called my life a “charmed life.” It just worked.  Aside from a few breakups I just cruised along enjoying life and all my goals seemed attainable.

Somehow, I don’t feel any of that confidence now.  I still have all these ideas but I can’t seem to follow through on them.  I feel like when my mom died, my biggest cheerleader died too.  I think, with her by my side I  just felt like I could do it all.  She always believed in me, so it was easy to believe too.  Without her backing me I feel like a scared little mouse peeking outside my door to see if anyone is going to come eat me if I go outside.  I guess it doesn’t help that I haven’t had a paying job since November 2004.  I don’t feel like a professional person anymore.

With Maya going to kindergarten in the fall I am trying to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life, professionally. I’m very aware that I have been doing A LOT since November 2004 but I feel so removed from the working world.  I also feel myself wanting to be safe and do what is familiar even though it might not be what my heart really wants to do.

I just finished training to be a hospice volunteer.  Hopefully, I will be able to start volunteering soon.  Hospice volunteering may seem a bit strange for some, but it feels like the right step for me.  I belong there.   So I tell myself, baby steps.  I am doing something.  But I still miss my cheerleader who always made me feel confident in myself.  I miss that twenty year old girl who knew what she wanted in life.  I know she’s in there somewhere I just feel like some where along the road she got knocked down and isn’t sure how to get back up.

My mom got knocked down, I know.  She became such a bad ass professor.  She loved her  job.  It was such a part of who she was and I want that too.  I am in love with the family we have built but I know I am the kind of person that needs a career.  Something greater than me.  What a daunting idea.  I feel like at forty I am starting over, and don’t know where to start!

I realize I am not alone.  There are many people that have to start over for different reasons but how do you find your way?  How can I find my way without her?